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CONFLICT RESOLUTION 101: PART II | Hannah Hutchinson, founder of Your Conflict Coach and local conflict and relationship expert, guides us through one major mindset shift that can transform the way we manage conflict happening within ourselves (AKA: internal conflict):

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Each and every external conflict has internal conflict at its core, preventing the people involved from reaching a resolution. So, what’s the difference? 

• External conflict is a clash between an individual and another person or people, often characterized by observable and tangible elements. The nature of external conflict is usually challenging, with obstacles or opposition from the outside world. It can manifest in various forms, including physical, social, or environmental conflict.

• Internal conflict is a struggle within an individual's mind, such as emotional or psychological challenges. This form of conflict occurs within the individual, characterized by a battle between different thoughts, feelings, or motivations. The nature of internal conflict is psychological or emotional, giving rise to inner turmoil, moral dilemmas, or conflicting desires within the individual's mind.

Despite the differences, it is crucial in both kinds of conflict to approach resolution by focusing on our own accountability, responsibility, and growth, instead of wasting energy trying to change other people’s behavior or attitudes.

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A lot of my clients have a hard time understanding why we work self-first, because it can seem backwards that a significant portion of relationship work involves self-improvement. I’m here to remind you that we cannot control what other people do. It’s quite literally more efficient to work on ourselves, so we can approach the conflicts from a more elevated mindset. Improved self-awareness, empathy, and communication skills make us better at regulating emotions, adapting to changes, and breaking negative cycles – these are skills and habits that make up the foundation of our ability to manage conflict, both internal and external.

Unfortunately for us as humans, this is much easier said than done, and that’s okay! Actually sitting with the internal conflict and working through it can be extremely difficult, and it requires high levels of what we call “vulnerability with self”. Vulnerability with self is one of the most difficult things for people to do, because it requires one thing that not many of us have had the privilege to develop, that can transform the way you deal with conflict in your life, both internal and external…

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SELF-TRUST.

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A lack of self-trust significantly impacts our ability to deal with conflict in a healthy manner, because it undermines all the aspects of healthy conflict resolution, like communication skills, assertiveness, problem-solving, and boundary-setting. Because of this, building up our self-trust is the first thing I recommend for developing the resilience and confidence needed to navigate conflicts in a constructive way.

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Here are some signs that a lack of self-trust is holding you back:

• Insecurity and Avoidance: Without self-trust, individuals may feel insecure about their own judgments and decisions. This insecurity can lead to a tendency to avoid conflict altogether, fearing that expressing their opinions or confronting issues might lead to negative outcomes. As a result, conflicts may go unresolved or unaddressed, potentially escalating over time.

• Difficulty Asserting Boundaries: When self-trust is lacking, individuals may struggle to assert their boundaries and needs during conflicts. They may be hesitant to communicate assertively, fearing rejection or conflict escalation. This can lead to compromises that may not be in their best interest and can contribute to long-term dissatisfaction.

• Overreliance on External Validation: Individuals with low self-trust may seek external validation excessively during conflicts. They may rely on others to make decisions for them or constantly seek reassurance, leading to an inability to independently navigate and resolve conflicts. This dependence on external validation can hinder personal growth and development in conflict resolution skills.

• Difficulty Handling Criticism: A lack of self-trust may make individuals more sensitive to criticism. They may perceive constructive feedback as a personal attack, leading to defensiveness or withdrawal during conflicts. This defensive stance can hinder open communication and collaboration, making conflict resolution more challenging.

• Fear of Rejection: A pervasive lack of self-trust can contribute to a fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear may prevent individuals from expressing their true feelings or needs during conflicts, as they worry about jeopardizing relationships. This avoidance can hinder the development of healthy communication patterns and compromise resolution strategies.

• Undermined Problem-Solving Skills: Self-trust is crucial for effective problem-solving. Without confidence in one's ability to navigate challenges, individuals may struggle to approach conflicts with a constructive mindset. They may become overwhelmed, leading to a lack of creativity and flexibility in finding solutions.

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If these describe you, don’t panic! You’re not doomed. You’re not broken. You’re not crazy. You’re actually super normal.

‍As I said, most people have not had the privilege of developing a healthy level of self-trust. Improving self-trust is a personal journey that is different for each individual, but based on my coaching experience, the following 3 strategies tend to be a really good starting point for building and strengthening self-trust:

1. Consistent Self-Alignment:

• Regularly check in with your values, beliefs, and priorities. Ensure that your actions align with these core aspects of yourself.
• When faced with decisions or choices, consider whether they reflect your authentic self and contribute to your overall well-being.

2. Honoring Personal Boundaries:

• Clearly define and communicate your boundaries to others, and more importantly, respect them yourself.
• Prioritize self-care and avoid overcommitting to tasks or relationships that may compromise your well-being. Learn to say no when necessary and without guilt, reinforcing your commitment to personal boundaries.

3. Learning and Growth Mindset:

• Embrace mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning and growth rather than as reflections of your worth.
• Seek out new experiences, challenges, and knowledge to continuously expand your skills and abilities.
• Cultivate a growth mindset, believing that your abilities can be developed through dedication and effort.

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Just like external conflict, internal conflict is inevitable, but hating it doesn’t have to be. Fearing it doesn’t have to be. Dreading it doesn’t have to be. Avoiding it doesn’t have to be. I hope this mindset shift can provide a sense of courage and self-understanding, allowing you to manage your internal conflict a little easier! 

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Love always,

Hannah, Your Conflict Coach :)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR | Hannah is a local communication expert and conflict coach, helping people develop conflict resolution skills, emotional intelligence, and relationship competency, so we can all live happier, more peaceful lives with those we love AND those we tolerate. She’s passionate about making this information accessible to everyone, so you can find more tips and tricks on her social media, and she hosts a podcast called “Secrets of a Conflict Coach”! By contributing to NWAGG, she hopes to reach more beautiful souls & spread the art of peaceful living to more people who crave it!

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